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My husband works full-time and for the majority of 2 1/2 years I have been a stay-at-home mom. I understand that me going back to work will take some of the financial stress off of his shoulders. Currently I do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc. And I mean that literally. When he comes home from work the most he does is play with our son for about 20 minutes. On his days off he sits around and watches tv, plays video games, or spends time with his friends. The most he does is take out the garbage once a week. I went back to work briefly at the end of last year and we talked beforehand about him helping out more. That never happened. I was still doing everything. Nothing changed besides the fact that we had a little more money. When I asked him why he expected me to do everything he said, "If my mom could do it while being single there is no reason you can't". But I feel that I shouldn't have to because, well, I'm NOT SINGLE! Is it just a man thing? Does it have to do with how he was raised? Will he grow out of it? I am going back to work soon and we have 2 kids now, I can't take on all of that! Well I could if I had to but I shouldn't have to. What do I do?

Red Dahlia,

You need to find a way to broach the subject in a non-judgmental way that produces results. If you are defensive, your DH will be, too.

It is obvious that you feel stressed. Although you and your husband are both busy, I suggest some alone time as a couple to reconnect. Hire a babysitter and have a date night once or twice per month. Use the time alone to revisit your request so that the two of you can find a workable solution. Adult conversation is easier away from the kids and daily chores.

ChrisMar says ...

RedDahlia, here are a few questions to just stimulate you to draw more from your own wisdom...

If you had your husband's complete and undivided attention, what is the most important thing you believe you could do in that moment to help him understand your needs? And, what would be some indications that you have successfully connected with him about them?

My husband has ADD so that rarely ever happens, lol. When I do have his attention I am able to tell him clearly and honestly what I need from him. He tells me he understands and agrees and says that he will do his best. However, it seems within hours he has forgotten what I asked, or simply does not know how to give it to me. During a few of our conversations he has said that he wants to help he just honestly does not know how to make himself do it. I don't quite understand that because, for me, when something needs to be done I just do it.

seabrownthree says ...

And find a way to get his mother out of the conversation.  You are not his mother.  And you can bite your tongue hard so that you don't retaliate with the point that his mother was single, so what do you need him for?????  Communicating with someone who doesn't yet feel the need to listen is impossible, so the first order of business is to motivate him to listen.  I hope that you make some progress.  It'll be difficult for him to break the habits that have enabled him to have it all.  Right now, he isn't having to do anything.  He isn't likely to want to change that routine very much.

Sometimes I feel like his mother, like I have 3 kids, not 2. It seems like I can get him to listen occasionally, and he says he wants to change his habits but doesn't know how. I told him then its a problem and you need to seek help. He looked at me like I was crazy and said "Its not like I'm an alcoholic." The thing is, its not just about helping around the house, its about taking on more responsibility in all aspects. He is horrible with money yet refuses to take responsibility for our financial situation and constantly blames the world and every other thing possible. The reason I'm going back to work is because of the amount of debt he has accrued in just the last year. Just like everything else he expects me to take on that responsibility.

LauraS says ...

RedDahlia

Had the same problem when we were first married, i went on 'strike' meaning no dishes done, no garbage taken out, nothing put away, and no cleaning, and I only cooked dinner for myself.  Now this is drastic but I was PISSED!  I have a full time job and go to school full time I have no time to play 'mother' to a 29 year old man!  SO, he caught on quite quickly, any time he 'commented' on something that needed doing I used his answers HE gave me when I asked for help or made comments "I dont feel like it", "I've been working all day and want to play", "You get started and I will come and help" and my FAV "isnt that YOUR job"?!?  Once in a while he 'slips' or gets a mild case of "AWS"  Attention wifey syndrom so I calmly walk up to him stand infront of the TV and lift up my shirt gets his attention REAL quick (YOU by all means do not have to do that, but I am a redhead we are known for extreme measures!) he is ALL OF A SUDDEN paying attention to EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY and does exactly what I want real quick!  Other things I mearly dump them infront of his computer or threaten to 'clean' his guitar area....I am a klutz by nature and this strikes FEAR into his heart!

It may very well come to that. It is just so hard for me to let the house get, and stay, messy. I always feels so stressed out when the house isn't cleaned. But I may have to just force myself to do it.

I once heard the greatest piece of wisdom about our man from a little old lady. She said: "Stop trying to change your man once you have him. You fell in love with him and committed to him because of who he is. If you keep changing and changing him, one day you will wake up and wonder where the man you fell in love with is."

Hi there.  I feel for you so much, because my marriage was the same way, and sadly it did not work.  But my ex had serious issued way beyond this.  I agree that you don't want to change him, yo want him to quit taking advantage of you, which is what he is doing.  Since you have tried to talk to him and cannot get through, my suggestionis to take the drastic measure, go on strike.  Make him realize all of responsiblities that he ignores so that you shoulder it all.  Let him see how his life could be if he were  single dad.  It may be the only way to bring him around.

Red D,

I feel like I need more information in order to really understand and comment on your situation.... 

I will say this, however, before you go back to work again, I would suggest that the two of you and have a practical discussion of the re-distribution of household tasks.  You can let him know that what happened last time is not OK.  He might have some thoughts on this subject that surprise you.  I encourage you to allow this discussion to be a two-way conversation--not just you "reading him the riot act or declaring a strike."  Maybe it will come to that but I think this issue has some depth to it...

Curious about this:  Does he share your opinion that the reason you are going back to work outside the home is to pay off debt which HE incurred over the last year? Have you benefitted at all from the purchases?  Are you satisfied with the amount of input that have in the decision to spend or borrow money?   

Also, when both leaders of the household are working and there are children (especially small children, like you have), having a little housekeeping help can take a lot of pressure off!  Is it possible for you to earn enough money to whack down the debt a little, pay for whatever child care you may need, and get someone in to help with the housework?  

You didn't mention yardwork at all, so I'm assuming there is none to be done.  Also, how high pressure is his work?  If he works at the 7-11, I would expect a little more help than if he works for the Special Victims Unit and is very stressed when he comes home.

This seems like a serious situation to me--one that won't last for very long unless it changes.  So I'm eager to offer some practical steps toward a solution...

I am very lucky. My hubby does everything 50/50 with me. You have to train them from the start. I would certainly go on stike if I were you. He has to learn. Sometimes it  takes a bigger hammer.

That or next time he uses the ol' "my mom did this bull" do EXACTLY that!  Treat him like a kid, either and when he protests he is not a kid anymore state "hey I am not your mother pick up your own crap!  either act like an adult or be treated like a kid!"  I have also done this, we are talking bedtimes (put a timer on the tv with a password I only know) 'rewards for chores' etc.  He was at first amused about it but when his computer went off RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of his group game event he got angry and I told him "I am sorry I thought you wanted me to play 'mommy' well its bed time and mommy says its time for you to go to bed now do you need help getting into your pjs or are you big boy enough to handle it? *insert sweet smile here*" and walked otu of the room I believe it was the LAST time he ever used the 'mommy did this' speech to me he realized it TOTALLY backfired and the guys on our vent server (talking server) heard the whole darn thing and will soooo pick on him if they hear me yelling at him to take out the trash!  "oohhhh dude you dont want 'mommy' to come out!"  That and I have told his mother on him and that was very funny to watch her lecture (lasted an hour and we are talking a phone call from Nepal!)  No, I did not 'change' him I gave him a choice, either act like a kid and be treated like one, or be a grown up and be responsible!  ocassionaly I still use the *flashing* technique but again thats just me!

Maddie says ...

Red D,

I feel like I need more information in order to really understand and comment on your situation.... 

I will say this, however, before you go back to work again, I would suggest that the two of you and have a practical discussion of the re-distribution of household tasks.  You can let him know that what happened last time is not OK.  He might have some thoughts on this subject that surprise you.  I encourage you to allow this discussion to be a two-way conversation--not just you "reading him the riot act or declaring a strike."  Maybe it will come to that but I think this issue has some depth to it...

Curious about this:  Does he share your opinion that the reason you are going back to work outside the home is to pay off debt which HE incurred over the last year? Have you benefitted at all from the purchases?  Are you satisfied with the amount of input that have in the decision to spend or borrow money?   

Also, when both leaders of the household are working and there are children (especially small children, like you have), having a little housekeeping help can take a lot of pressure off!  Is it possible for you to earn enough money to whack down the debt a little, pay for whatever child care you may need, and get someone in to help with the housework?  

You didn't mention yardwork at all, so I'm assuming there is none to be done.  Also, how high pressure is his work?  If he works at the 7-11, I would expect a little more help than if he works for the Special Victims Unit and is very stressed when he comes home.

This seems like a serious situation to me--one that won't last for very long unless it changes.  So I'm eager to offer some practical steps toward a solution...

 

I was going to suggest the sitting down and going over household duties as well.  Make a list of things that must be done daily and go over it with him, ask him what he can do on the list to share the duties, make a chart  and put it up somewhere that he sees at least daily.

If he is on-board with you working again then he simply needs to jump in to help around the house.  Divide the duties, ask him (don't tell him) what things he is willing to take on and write it down, make him commit.  If he gets home before you, he can run the dishwasher and tidy up the house before you get home so you can tackle yours responsibilities, vice versa.  Write yours down too.  In fact, if you really want to organize it and make him commit, get a dry erase board and put it up.  Eventually you will probably want your kids to start taking on some as well and you can add them to the board.  ADD is not an excuse to not pitch in around the house.

Also, thank him when he does anything to help.  Anything at all!  Let him know you see it and appreciate that he's pitching in.

Just my two cents.

In some cases women create this problem themselves (unwittingly though).  It starts with slowly controlling things, you want a drawer, notice you don't like the way he does laundry you take it over.  You don't like the way he has his closet, you take it over.  You don't like the way his bathroom looks you redo it, don't like the way he dresses, you buy him stuff that you like, never mind how he feels (after all he's a man he cant tie his shoes without you!).  You plan the wedding (I've watched Bridezilla, Rich Bride Poor Bride, etc women get down right mean and all about the 'me' and totally forget about the 'we'), the wedding is not our wedding, its not our special day, its YOUR special day, the decisions are YOURS anytime you complain he is not 'helping' when he tries you automatically veto anything he likes, and then wonder why he is not helping.  Buying a house/decorating a house, come on ladies how many of you let your husband pick out the furniture, paint color, house in general, drapes, etc?!?  Its a pattern, that we do, I have caught myself doing it.  "your going out?" "yea, with the guys" "dressed like THAT?!?" yup I've done that HE'S done that to me its a bad thing. Things like the bills, who does it?  Checking accounts, does the bank even KNOW what his signature looks like or is your hold that bad (I am sorry ladies but I do understand money is tight, but buying a Gucci purse or new shoes for yourself then turning around and screaming at him for 'wasting' money on a big screen tv or a roomba is beyond calling the kettle black!) Child raising, now how often is he involved or if he does try to get involved do you fly off the handle or do you let him do what he wants or do you both agree on what is to be done (not you telling him what is to be done but both sharing imput and agreeing to it)?

Some ladies have in short, not 'discovered' a problem but have created it.  Not saying these incidents are you, but looking at it in this point of view might help, if he does not act the way you want him to maybe there is a reason behind it, maybe at one point he did try to help clean but you did not like the way he goes about it, or help cook but you did not like the mess he left in the kitchen, or the dishes but you did not like the way he washed them, just another thing to think about!

Yeah, the problem with us is that we really do try to see everything from the very best possible perspective.  Women have a tendency to want to take care of our men and our children, and to be as understanding and forgiving as we can possibly be.  I have an elderly friend who's husband is absolutely incorrigable....and she forgives him because she says she thinks he's missing something and doesn't know any better.  I bit my tongue, but what I wanted to say is that what he should be missing is his wife.  But we all have to make our own decisions, I suppose.  I've been guilty myself of trying to find where I'm responsible and what I can do to change it for years before realizing that I was just married to a butthead, end of story.  There are, I'll grant you, men out there who are somewhat deficient, and can't help themselves, but I usually am tempted to say, "and that's where medication comes in!".  But we each, as I say, do have to decide what we can live with and for how long.  I just think that it's an incredible testimony to the love, strength and patience of women that so many of us put up with so much for so long!  Let's hear it for ---- well, us.

I do agree with Laura, that sometimes the irresponsibility and lazyness is encouraged. But I still believe that many times it's related to the culture that the man grew up in. If the woman is even willing to "retrain him", it may take a few years to break down his old habits. That takes not being the woman who "does it all" from the get-go and letting him contribute w/out complaining and/or redoing.

Yeah, I would say that growing up would be a good idea.  I have asthma, as well, and it's limiting sometimes.  It's a family thing, this asthma.  My mother nearly died of it, my sister was in hospital on oxygen for a straight year with it, my nephew didn't come home from hospital for the first five years of his life, and then spent the next ten at home close to the breathing machine, and my daughter had to have a daily nebulizer and couldn't laugh for the first 9 years of her life.  I still remember the first time she was able to enjoy a belly laugh without having to get the nebulizer.  But none of us saw it as a reason to feel sorry for ourselves or to not do anything with our lives.  In fact, we're a stubborn lot, and we go out and enjoy life.  We have friends our own age because we make the effort to do so.  We find ways to be productive, which keeps us confident and positive.  Ok, so we have a problem when the weather changes or someone wears too much perfume.  Boo hoo.  Life goes on.