General Forums >> Take A Load Off >> For those who work hard here are a few laughs!
For those who work hard here are a few laughs!
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Posted about 1 month ago This is brought to you courtesy of grandma! If you need a good laugh and don't mind laughing at the misfortune of others, read on...if not, maybe this one's not for you :)
The Darwin awards! You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards. Eighth Place In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. HONORABLE MENTION Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. RUNNER UP Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miracu lously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S**t happens' IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Death isn't funny by any means, but some of these are hilarious. Could you imagine being the boss at the zoo having to call that mans family and let them know he had died...and when they say how...tell him that an elephants sh*t killed him. LOL...I do however pray for each of these families. Ms. Antoinette M. Brown I am a divine original fashioned by God to be radiantly beautiful! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Thanks for the laughs Laura. The consequences of the stupid acts that some people partake in really can be rather astounding! Need Breeds Ingenuity! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Mzbrown - yea its sad you dont wanna laugh but you CANT HELP YOURSELF! The Darwin Awards is a legitimate book for 'honorable mentions' of these people. Its goal is to as quoted: The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of I have OODLES of other jokes but by far this kept me chuckling for days! "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago For MzBrown, I hope you like these ones better! Ignore the parachute one Subject: Classified Ads "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago I'm still laughing thinking of some of these! oh my goodness, and the parachute one!!! LOL...And I can see my fiance putting the add in for the encyclopedias! LOL....Keep em coming. Ms. Antoinette M. Brown I am a divine original fashioned by God to be radiantly beautiful! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Ok, Last one for today, don't worry I will post more all week! Grandma has many and so does mom! My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Laura, LOL, thanks for the humor! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Laura-- these are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh. Imagination. . .is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared. (J.K. Rowling) |
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| Posted about 1 month ago I'm actually belly-laughing and crying, and I can tell you, it's been a long time since I've done that! Thank you so much for sharing this one! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Dear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat: 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The Dog
"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago I also posted a video in the videos/fun area, look under humor! "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago You fulfilled you fulfilled your promise, I'm laughing...Poor Cat.... LOL Ms. Antoinette M. Brown I am a divine original fashioned by God to be radiantly beautiful! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago A retired nun gave this one to my grandma, it just goes to show you that just because people have those bumper stickers on their car does not mean they don't have a bad day! Subject: Road Rage "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality standards:
"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago LauraS says ...
Oh, Laura, these cat ones are just too funny! Trust the dog to give the instructions on how to bathe the cat! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago If any of you guys have any jokes to share by all means I need to add to my collection!
"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Once again my grandma and her crazy friends surprise me, naughty old ladies that they are; this is pretty good! A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice." "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Here is my ONLY intellectual joke collection; and its NOT even MINE! You never know when a little conversational Latin might come "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Laurha, you are the mother of stress releif. You make me cry in laughter. |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Today is International Disturbed People's Day "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago LauraS says ...
We all need to observe the message of the day. Enjoy life....live each day as if it's your last. Ms. Antoinette M. Brown I am a divine original fashioned by God to be radiantly beautiful! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago OMG Laura, I especially like the one about how to give your cat a bath. Funny. Funny. Funny Here's one... via Anthony, my Hotness
Looking for Work?
Need Breeds Ingenuity! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago
NEW ELEMENT Need Breeds Ingenuity! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago
A Spanish teacher
Was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz.." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you f ind yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won Need Breeds Ingenuity! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago
Need Breeds Ingenuity! |
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| Posted about 1 month ago Ohhhh that was a good one!
"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
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| Posted about 1 month ago A joke from a friend of my grandma's! I rear-ended a car this morning and right then I knew it was going to be a bad day! When the driver got out of his car, I saw he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!" So I said, "Then which one are you?" and the fight started. "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."-Randy Pausch |
