WomenCo.

Today is a very bright day.  Looking out of my bedroom window, pulling the curtains open, I can see the sun coming up with its fresh promise.  I open the window and smell, feel the fresh, cool air.  I love this time of day.  I can look forward.  Sometimes the nights are difficult, but it's ok.  I've learned to get through the rough spots and keep going forward.  One step at a time, one breath at a time, forward.  I love to get dressed and go outside when it's still early enough for the dew to be like a white mist on the floor of  the land I live on.  There's a sweet smell to the earth when it's damp like this.  Every breath is life.  Every breath is hope.  My steps spring through the soft, cushiony grass and the dew comes through my canvas shoes.  I am alive.  Sometimes I think that this time of day is more about freedom than hope, because I can leave things behind that I don't want anymore.  If I hold onto them, I must want them.  So, I let them go. 

Ok, that's the first paragraph.  Add what you can, and we'll all keep it going.  I'll pitch in here and there, as well.  If you want credit for your share in the work, let me know and I'll add your name to the credit list in the book.  If not, not to worry, just email me the paragraph that you want added and what sentence you want it to come under.  I'll add it for you.  Or, just write me a message asking me not to put your name on the list, and I'll leave it off the list, but we'll know for ourselves who did that bit.   I check this every day, so there shouldn't be an overlap, but if there is, not to worry, I'll get it sorted out.  That way, everyone can do something.  Thanks, everybody!

I take a deep breath. Myself. What a journey it has been to find myself again!  Stumbling along dark, tangled paths to finally emerge from the pain and fear and come at last to this bright morning.

(Kathleen Johnson)

Yes, I am going to make my own way.  What does that actually mean?  It is more than just earning a paycheck.  It means that I, me, myself am allowing this person inside of me to venture out into the world as my own person.  The person that I have been yearning to know and understand for many years.  I get to experience the world on my terms.  I am allowed to see things in a different perspective, my perspective.  I have found the courage to be who I am and to meet and greet others with confidence in my heart and strength in my soul.  Yes, I am going to make my own way now and I will love every second of it. 

Candy Davis/ Geneva, NE

katiej says ...

I take a deep breath. Myself. What a journey it has been to find myself again!  Stumbling along dark, tangled paths to finally emerge from the pain and fear and come at last to this bright morning.

I feel. . . alive. What a beautiful word!  What a gift!  It really was a good choice to move to this place to starat over. The green growing things, the closeness of the sea are breathing new life into me. Time, friendship and nature are healing me. Let the old demons wash out with the tide.

This ritual became my meditation moment. Wandering aimlessly, letting the cool air of the early morning surround me like a down filled blanket, listening to the sounds of nature, embracing the sunlight with outstretched arms, these moments were my freedom.  My half hour of solitude. No phones, no faxes, no voices.

The sound of the phone ringing- nothing like the song of the birds. The peace of the morning is not broken- but it is cracked. Reluctantly, I return to the house. There are still some things I have to deal with before I am entirely free of the past.

Maybe if I don't answer-----? It would be so easy. Later, I could just say "Sorry, I was outside. I didn't hear..."  But, no, that would be letting the darkness win. "Hello?"  It's Emily, the assistant DA. "I need you to come in", she says. "I want to be sure you're ready to testify on Thursday." I know what I have to do. Still, I begin to feel a little nauseous and my hands tremble. "What time?', I ask.

“I’m so sorry, but we’ve been through this before. We have your original statement, but we can’t get the results we need on this case without you being present in the courtroom.” I sigh. Emily and I have had this conversation time and time again. I’ve asked, I’ve pleaded, heck, I’ve even begged her to let me leave those memories of what happen to the crevices of my mind, and not to ever speak of them verbally ever again. But she insists that it’s better if I’m there. I no longer feel that wonderful serene feeling I felt just mere moments ago, before I answered the phone. Now all I feel is like there is a ton of bricks on my chest, and I’m struggling to get from under them once again. Hello…Hello…are you still there?”…”Yes Emily, I’m here.” I pause, trying to catch my breath…I hang up the phone, but not before I mutter barely audible “I’ll be there.”

More importantly, I have to trust and believe in myself. I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I am stronger than the past. I am stronger than those bad memories. I am stronger than the abuse. I am stronger than him. I have always been stronger than him…I was just too afraid to be stronger than him.

Holding on tight to my new-found strength, I begin to plan how to make it through today and tomorrow. It's an hour drive back to the city- do I want to get a hotel room near the courthouse tomorrow night?  My cat would be alright alone for that long. (Will I?) He's in custody; he can't hurt me. (Really?)  What will I wear? Emily has told me to dress conservatively. I know she's right, but I find it a little insulting. I'm not the one who did anything wrong. (Would the jury acquit him if I wore pink? What if I wore red?) I need to call someone.

I open my lap top. Before I can search for a hotel room for tomorrow night, Sarah bounces in the kitchen door without knocking. Her face is flushed and her hair ruffled from the sea breeze. There is laughter in her voice and a bouquet of daisies in her hand. "Hey, lady-- you know what we're going to do? I found the most amazing. . ." She stops and stares at me. "My God, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"I guess I have," I reply. "Umm--- I don't know what you have in mind for today, but, well, I wonder... could you, I mean, Thursday is. ."

" The trial? That's it, isn't it? I can't believe I didn't think ... "  She lays the flowers on the counter and gives me a hug. "What's going on? What can I do?'

As I head toward my room to brush my hair, Sarah’s words echo in my head “…I know a great place where we can stay not too far from the courthouse.”

Did she say ‘we’? Did she plan on going with me?? Of course she did, but I couldn’t bear for her to be in that courtroom again. It’s far too many emotions for me and Sarah never liked him, especially after that incident when…. My thoughts were interrupted by Sarah’s voice yelling.  “Snap out of it, would you. I’m going with you Thursday, end of discussion!!! Now come on before all the good items are gone at the store.”

Jason and I had been dating for a few months - 5 months, 3 weeks and 4 days to be exact. Things between us were awesome. I had never been so content with a man before in my life. He was a very handsome, intelligent, caring, loving and passionate man. He also made a very decent salary...and need I not mention that he created memorable fireworks in the bedroom.  He even respected my 90 day rule.  He was everything any girl could want in a man - and he wanted to be with me. I had told my best friend Sarah all about him, and she thought he was a little too good to be true -especially since she hadn't met him yet, and I was spending all my available time with him. So needless to say, i was anxious for him to meet Sarah so that I could prove to her just how awesome he was. So after weeks of going back and forth with Jason, I finally convinced him to go with me to Sarahs' house for a small dinner party of friends. When he arrived to pick me up, something seemed different and I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. I chalked it up to him being nervous about meeting my friends. I happily got into the car for the short drive to Sarahs' house. As we got out the car, I tried to hug Jason to thank him for coming with me to Sarahs. But he pushed me away, and I lost my balance and hit the ground. Sarah must have been standing in the doorway as we approached because I heard her say "What the hell did you push her for?"

I stood a moment with my mouth wide open wondering if I had just heard correctly, until Sarahs voice jolted me from thoughts. "Bitch? I know damn well you didn't just call me a bitch after you just pushed my friend on the ground like she was some rag doll, you fucking coward." she said walking toward Jason with fervor in her eyes...."calm down" I yelled "what is wrong with you two?"..."Amelia, I'm not staying, so if you want to stay here, then I'll holler at you another time" Jason said while walking back to his car..."Jaa..." but before I could get the words out, he had already slammed the car door. I turned toward the car and Sarah said "I know you aren't about to get in the car with that asshole after what just happen are you?" "He's my boyfriend Sarah, and you jumped off the deep end as usual. It wasn't what you thought it was.."...Sarah snapped "I don't fucking believe you!!! I told you he was too good to be true that's why it took you so long to introduce him to me."...I heard the car engine start up. "Be happy for me please. I love you, I will call you later"...I said as I ran toward the car just before Jason pulled off.

Looking in the mirror I thought I must have bitten my lip while sleeping. I couldn't forget that kiss. It was filled with such intensity. He must love me. Days went by before I saw him again. I felt like a princess in a parade swarmed by gifts, embraced by the gleam in his eyes and his warm smile. Not realizing I swept away how I felt the other night and that gut feeling something wasn't right. He told me I was his world and I couldn't help but believe him. I mean everything could be explained so innocently. He brought so much laughter to my world that I couldn't see beyond it to notice the treachery yet to unfold. I was a princess and he was the one that opened the door to a new world I never knew existed. He was so worldly. I was naive and sheltered in a family of strict morals and defined only by whom my family believed me to be. I knew he'd lead me far from what I felt was safe but I yearned to be freed from being smothered by doubts my family had in me. He told me things, sacred things, he told no other. He shared secrets. Some scared me briefly but they were so easily ignored by his generosity and the things he said he believed to be true about me. Things nobody ever thought I was capable of or felt could possibly be a part of me. I loved him so much the world escaped me without a true glimpse of what was to be. I had fallen hard in love not knowing what was to become of my soul.