Group Forums >> The Issue Of Aging >> Managing the feelings
Managing the feelings
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Posted 2 months ago As our loved ones near the end of their lives, how do we manage the feelings of grief and pending loss that arise even before the death? Is it similar to the stages of grieving identified by Kubler-Ross? For those who have been through this, what helped you to cope? Jane G. Chambers
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| Posted 2 months ago Each person deals with it so differently. I'm not sure you can ever brace yourself for what is to come even when you know it's coming. My father was diagnosed as terminal and even though I knew what that meant it didn't make a difference because I had stubborn hope till the end. So as crazy as it sounds, the end for me was shocking. There are times I still get teary eyed even after ten years of his passing. I find that for me it's in the really happy times of my life that I feel his absence the most. Happy times like having my daughter or buying my first home. I believe in heaven so that is how I cope. Knowing he is in a much better place and not suffering. I believe he watches over me and is my daughter's angel and that is comforting to me. I'll also add that telling the person how you feel could also help you cope. There was nothing I left unsaid between us. And that has helped tremendously. It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not. - Unknown |
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| Posted 2 months ago What a touching subject. Angela, you have me teared up at your beautiful words. "What you do for yourself - any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself - will affect how you experience your world. In fact, it will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you're doing for others, and what you do for others, you're doing for yourself." |
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| Posted 2 months ago Even though we knew for five years that my father could die at any time, being called to his room several times to say good-bye because the doctors said he was dying, it was still a bit of a shock when he did die. I don't know that you really can prepare for it. We do know that there are stages of grief, and we each go through that grief in different ways, so the support groups can be helpful. I lived far away from my father, so I dealt with it at first by just pretending that he was still far away. We each find some way to cope until we can handle the grief. |
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| Posted 2 months ago My dad was 87 when he died -- he was a well preserved, energetic man and then one day, he wasn't. He'd asked me to bring him to our home, help him leave. No more doctors or hospitals - so we brought hospice into our home for help and support. It was an intense time, lots of tears and laughter. I loved him so much - it was important to me to do this for him. I found the hardest times were sitting by his side, it was a great comfort to him but very difficult on me. I don't know how anyone prepares for this kind of loss, the affects are long lasting and sometimes very confusing. I did read several books by Kubler-Ross -- I found them very comforting and yes - accurate. Grief counseling - group and individual was what helped me the most; that - and getting back into "Life". I learned through this experience that death is as much a part of "the miracle of Life" as the - breath of life we celebrate as birth. The day he died - I think I was in denial - the signs were all there - I thought we had more time though. His passing was so peaceful. I was happy for him - I thought, good for you Dad - you did it; It's what he wanted. Just a note - if anyone is considering bringing a loved one home to help them in this way - consider hospice - they are a very special bunch of folks -- and provided us with so much support - I will be forever grateful to them. |
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| Posted 2 months ago Thank you all for your answers. My father is poorly and had major surgery today, so I'm struggling with this issue now. Jane G. Chambers
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| Posted 2 months ago AJaneChambers says ...
I hope you have family to help you through this, I hope his surgery went ok -- one step at a time. |
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| Posted 2 months ago Jane, I hope that you are finding a way to preserve your "self" in such a stressful time. I have no answers.... I just need you to know that I'm here for you to lean on, vent, or whatever you might need.
"What you do for yourself - any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself - will affect how you experience your world. In fact, it will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you're doing for others, and what you do for others, you're doing for yourself." |
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| Posted 2 months ago AngelaK says ...
I flew out to be with my family during the surgery, and you're right, Angela, we all seemed to deal with the situation differently. I got through the day thinking of a friend's advice to remember to breathe, because the deep breaths helped me relax a little. I've been so busy lately that it's hard to sort my feelings for the long term - I just find myself crying at odd moments, like when I'm alone in the car. He was a robust man who declined very suddenly since January. It's been a shock, and we live 400 miles away, so I'm not in a position to see my parents as much as I'd like. Jane G. Chambers
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| Posted 2 months ago Watchnstarz44 says ...
Thank you Watchnstaz44. It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not. - Unknown |
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| Posted 2 months ago AJaneChambers says ...
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not. - Unknown |
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| Posted 2 months ago Dealing with the time when they're declining so rapidly and all of the things that go along with it is highly stressful and emotional, but the real grief will come when it's all over and the shock is gone. It'll be a difficult time for those left behind, and I'm glad that we have a support network like this where people can come. But I do hope that everyone who is going through these things does have family to lean on, or friends. There's nothing that can take the place of a real, flesh and blood hand to hold. |
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| Posted 2 months ago seabrownthree says ...
No - there's not. |
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| Posted about 1 month ago McKaren says ...
The person who has that real hand for me to hold asked me last night (just as we were dropping off to sleep), whether I'm preparing myself for the worst. (Dad's back in the hospital, had another procedure Monday; it just doesn't seem to end - he has been in the hospital or rehab center for the past 2 1/2 months.) Some advice that I got this week was to do what I can and then trust God with the outcome. I've tried that now, being in touch with my mother and sister frequently, calling the hospital staff, talking to Dad, praying - it's helped some with the conflict that I feel in being so far away during this time. Jane G. Chambers
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| Posted about 1 month ago You and your family are in my prayers - I know how difficult it is to be so far away - don't forget to breathe. |
