WomenCo.

Ok, here is the story.  I have a new neighbor and initially I thought she was "ok"!  I felt indiffernt about her, didn't care for her either way.  Well, she helped me solidify my feelings for her rather quickly.  Now please someone tell me if I'm wrong but there aren't there some "unspoken" rules that apply to other women, among each other.  This woman, for whatever reason would come over to chat but on most occassions she would do this when I wasn't outside.  If my SO and our neighbor (a man) would be sitting outside talking and I might be inside getting/doing something, she would come over.  To top it all off she would go back home once I came outside and she would do it in a way that almost dismissed me.  Needless to say... THIS TOTALLY PISSED ME OFF.!  One night my SO, our neighbor and I were outside having drinks and chatting.  Well, she came over and by this time I was totally wasted.  Apparently I was mean to her and my SO did not appreciate my attitude towards her and since then we have gotten into a couple of arguments over it.  I didn't and still don't understand why he feels so strongly about a woman that was obviously disregarding and disrespecting me!!! WTF?  If the roles were reversed and it had happened to him, he can bet his ass that I would have his back.   This story ends up better than it started and I have learned so much from it.  I've said it once and always will....EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!  We were all outside again last night and my female neighbor came over.  I had felt so terrible because my SO tells me that I called her a nasty name on the night that I mentioned early on.  So, last night I asked her if I could talk to her, she said yes and we did.  I told her exactly what it was about her that I didn't like and apologized if I had treated her badly.  She said I hadn't and told me that she has so much baggage and anger toward men that this is why she does what she does with regards to coming over when I'm not outside.  She wants to stir up trouble as a way to get back at men.  She claims that in that though she never has any intent of hurting or offending the woman in the relationship.   What do you ladies think.... ARE THERE SOME "SILENT" RULES AMONG WOMEN?  Aren't you suppose to treat people the way you want to be treated?  Aren't we/ Shouldn't we as women stick together?  I would love to know what you think!

How odd, personally I would be put off not just by her actions but at finding out that she was doing it as a direct offense to my man and friend.  She has some issues, specially with generalizing her aim at all men apparently.  Sounds like you handled it much better than I would have. :-)

Well we all know that there are 'women' and 'females', so we can't always expect a female to act the way a woman normally would. This female seems to have some serious issues that have nothing to do with you, or your SO. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

I think that the unwritten rules are our expectations that others would behave in the same way we would.  For some, those are the rules of the civil world.  For others, they're the rules of the jungle.  I think you (civil world) met her (jungle) on your terms and won--for the moment.  But I have to agree with the others, you didn't cure her.  You bettered yourself, but I wouldn't trust her very far.  Civility is one thing, but look out for the fangs. 

Regardless of gender- we are first and foremost human.  Inherently flawed.

There are unspoken rules.  However, just like etiquette and manners not everyone was taught them, or feels that they are necessary.  Unfortunate- in my opinion.

We all have our own issues (some have "subscriptions"), but she was unfair using you, Kathy, or your relationship, to work her issues out.  Also, not a particularly healthy way to work on those issues...

Kudos for being the better person, but please be careful. She could turn out to be a nut job rather than a neighbor in need. I would limit my contact with her unless there are other people present.

I had a female neighbor years ago who was ditzy and nice, but she badmouthed her husband constantly. They had some outrageous fights. She was the neighborhood gossip. I was newly married and I could not offer any advice, but the relationship was draining.  I worked full time; she was a SAHM. So it was easy to limit contact.

Kats,

This neighbor's explanation makes no sense.  If she has such issues with men, why did she gravitate towards your husband? That , to me, would be a person's behavior if she had a problem with women.  She didn't hurt him, she hurt you. If what she said is really what she was after, she had a hell of a way of getting to it.  She had to face a man to get back at men?  I mean, give me a break. She seriously needs to be watched.

WOW!  Thank you all so much. I will certainly heed the advice I've gotten here. I was hoping that others felt the same way.  The thought that it might just be jealousy was eating me up because I am not and never have been a jealous woman.  The way I see it is that if my SO cheats on me, it's on him and any jealous reactions I may have displayed would have all been in vain.  I trust him completely and don't fear this.  Thank you for your concern too.  I'll keep you all posted.

U GO LauraS!! sounds like you know exactly!!

I agree with everyone eles. I wouldn't trust her either.  I can understand females having male issues, but that is not healthy for her or you KatS!  Have you talked to ur SO about her since? He seems to be like you. I could go on about my past issues on this subject...but since i have been blessed with my honey for almost 3 yrs now.....i have no worries!!

My first thought on this was OMG! on very Junior High of her!  Never, and I mean NEVER, say you are trying to hurt a man by being nice to them.  Like that's really going to work.  If it weren't so pathetic I'd have a really good laugh at your neighbor's eexpense.  Seriously though, Watch out for this one, no telling what she is capable of, and make sur the male neighbor knows the score too.  Women with claws can't be any fun if you aren't expecting them.

DorothyNed says ...

KatS:  The moral to this story is in your statement, "I have learned so much from this.  Indeed, in every situation no matter how discomforting, we can learn so much from it.  The truth of the matter is...

People Who Give You Angst Have A Gift For You

The person who gives you angst, a.k.a. 'difficult people' have come into your life for a reason. This person could be your family member(s), neighbor, boss, colleague, service provider, someone on a committee you are on, etc.

Metaphysically, we are here to learn and grow spiritually and emotionally. In order for this growth to occur we need to see what needs our attention for growth. Other people are the most effective way for anyone to learn and grow—they hold up the mirror for you to see yourself. They bring to you the issues you need to learn about and move beyond. They are bringing the perfect gift for you--their 'difficult' behavior so that you can learn and grow.

Keeping this awareness in mind, you can, ‘Thank’ these people for being such a pain, because they are your most accurate mirror of what you need to learn. When someone seems difficult—ask yourself:

• What about this person annoys me?



• What beliefs do I need to reevaluate/change?



• Who in my past does this person remind me?



• What does this person do that I don’t like about myself?



• What do I need to change to change my experience?



• What are his/her motivations?



• What are my choices?

Last, but not least, express yourself/interact differently to change your experience with that person.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Author, International Speaker and Inspirational Leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net.

 Dorothy, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!  You totally "nailed" it.  My SO and I have talked about the situation since it happened the other night and all is fine.  I had never experienced what I was feeling for her initially, I couldn't put my finger on what it was about her that upset me so much and now I'm kind of glad that it all happened the way it did.  It felt amazing to just honestly tell her what it was about her that I didn't like.  We are certainly not friends but now I can feel good in waving at her or saying hello because I was able to confront her and my feelings.  EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!

Way to go girl.  Definatly keep your distance though.  I don't know if I would ever be friends with the girl.

I call people like this 'slimy' they is something about them you instantly do not like, you can not put a finger on it you just know.  Kind of like losers and dating you can tell something about someone instantly that just gives you the 'shivers'.  I do agree that some girls are hurt from past relationships and rather than blame the guy who hurt them, they blame the female.  Or they had a friend/sister/cousin/etc who slept with their boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/etc or a girl who KNEW he/she was taken but did it anyway because they 'could' or 'felt like it' or to 'prove' to themselves and you that they are no good. 

My situation worked out because I knew that this girl could hit on my guy until she is blue in the face, heck she could have shown up naked wearing whip cream for all I care and he would have stayed the course (ok he would ask why she was shaving her entire body not GETTING the fact it was whip cream, he is V-E-R-Y slow when it comes to girls and being 'hit on'). I think that is what took the girl aback in the first place.  I was not going to 'go against her'  or 'stand in the way' of her having my man, I told her plainly and simply, if he wants you then he would have been with you and if you want to try and take him I will not stand in your way, but he doesnt  and he could care less about you so just get over it!

In some cases the man does give in, in those cases I think he is more to blame than the girl who went for it, afterall you gave him a warning you expressed your worry and love, him going for it proves that he does not care a whit about you.  He can say it is 'because you wouldn't pay attention', "you have no time for me', 'she was there and you weren't', etc.  but an excuse is just that an excuse, a way out.  My mommy always told me "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater".  Its true, don't waste your life on someone who could does not care one bit about you and only themselves.  As to this girl she is just being nice to you so you will relax your guard and so she can work without worrying about you breathing down her neck.  She does not care if your married she DOES want to hurt you and she does not care about your feelings, its HERS that matters, yours are expendable!

Unspoken rule number one:  Never, ever talk to a woman's man without her say-so!  Seriously, I've always felt this was the number one rule of thumb.  If I've ever in my life wanted to talk to a man that I knew had a woman, I spoke to her first.  That way, she would know that I had no intentions on her man, that I respected her turf.  The woman feels better when you do that, and there are no problems later on.

Kat,        I'm glad your last post happened to you. She's NOT out to hurt your husband. For years my ex-husband treated me terribly. After awhile I  got used to it but became angry at pretty much all men. However, they had something that I thought I needed. Back then  I needed a man to notice me, compliment me, look at me in that flirtatious way or just give me his attention. I wasn't socializing with other men to hurt my ex or that man.  I was simply doing it because I wanted/needed the attention. It raised my self esteem, put me in a perky mood, made me feel pretty again. However................I'd like to state that I NEVER cheated on my ex and after a couple of years of that, finally realized (thank God) that all those wonderful attentions were empty.   I learned to LOVE MYSELF and in doing so all those needs/wants for another mans attentions went out the door.

I don't know this woman so it's hard to call. But bottom line, weather she's out for your SO, (physically)  or just his attention, she doesnt' respect YOU. An no one who disrespects us is worth a second of our time. You've said your piece to her, you and your SO are on the same page with it all so I would let it go, or it will irritate the crap right out of you. (an she will eat that right up).............  If it were me, I would no longer acknowledge her when in passing. Your not being rude.......you've already tried this...... If she comes to your yard when you are inside, how about asking your SO (in advance) to excuse himself and come inside with you.  In that way he isn't feeding her needs, and your not working up a scene by asking her to leave.   However I would never trust her, no matter what she tells you. (Don't feel sorry for her)...... She's smart. All women are.  Depending on how desperate she is, she could even go as far as making you believe that your SO is the one who is wanting HER attention. All the more reason that he isn't alone with her, even outside in the yard. It's not that you don't trust him, but that she is probably capable of many things. Lets hope that we are all wrong and she will move to Alaska!!!!

sorry this was so long.  Keep us posted.