WomenCo.

We have seen our parents/guardians care for us as youngsters; now their bodies are frail and weak or will be some time in the near future, and need assistance to carry-out everyday functions.  What plans do you have  or what do you think is the best way to go about this phase of life for these elders? 

I am sorry to learn of your loss of both parents.   I must commend you for the superb care you rendered to them, that others have lauded your effort.     I know you will not stop there, as you have indicated.   The support group for families to help them understand what is required to care for elders is an excellent idea.

My husband and I were the primary caregivers to his aging aunt for several years.  It got to the point where we were bathing, feeding and cleaning up after her.  I work full time and my husband's schedule was flexible enough to check in on her at least once a day.  She was legally blind and had to 'feel' her way to the bathroom.   As time continued, we had to make the choice of putting her in a nursing home, a home that would give her the attention she deserved and needed.  She fought it, but agreed.  The facility was great, the friends she met were wonderful, and we do not regret the decision.  We saw her every week, sometimes several time a week.  It was her new home, but she never adjusted.  She was there for a year before she expired.

My mom had a stroke 3 yrs ago and is having difficulty finding a job due to her aphasia....she lives in WA...I live in HI.....she lives close to my brother who has a busy schedule.....Since I branched out on my own...I am unable to financially take care of her like before...but am working towards a better financial situation for us both.  She is currently on Social security but it does not give her much each month extra.....she is 63....and am trying to get her to go to her social security office to be interviewed for possible disability....any other ideas to help her boost her income?  She can do light housekeeping and cooking....maybe I should make a flier for her to put up and see what kind of responses she gets...?

hmmn. a tough one. 

Personally i see myself moving up to WA when my grandparents start to get ill / need help. Mom i wont have to worry about for a while, but the grandparents i will soon. 71 and 69.  they raised me for 90% of my childhood/ teens and im closer to them. Im afraid any of *their* kids will only be for "what's in it for them". which is messed up. 

Personally i'll have to suck it up and go up there- because im not making them move to S. Calif. They've got 3 acres they've worked their asses off for. Im not going to have them give it up because they arent well.... its one of the reasons i still have an apartment. Not sure what ill do for work- but ill cross that bridge when i come to it. 

really, its not too much (for me)....they gave up 19 years of their lives as adults- compromising what they wanted to do, and could do becuase they had me. (not to sound harsh- and they'd of not had it any other way) but its a way i can pay them back for all they've done for me. 

I realy do appreciate your responses to this topic.

Aging is so sure, we are one day older at the start of every new day. Preparing for the care of our aging loved ones is not an easy task;it is both emotional and costly.  For some, it means: pulling-ups roots to re-locate to live closer to their elders; huge dent in their financies in order to pay for medical, prescription and care givers expenses;  taking -in elders to live with the family.  

However we take it, we will never be totally prepared emotionally to deal with the frail state of our once agile love ones. Personal counseling is sometimes needed to deal with this trauma especially when there is a sudden incapacitated illness.

Making preparation for this stage in life is always never one of great importance; until the situation smacks you in the face, when you will see the need for an insurance coverage or a personal  pension fund for one's self. 

The message: If you have not started,  speak to an insurance agent today in getting a personal pension plan ( NO I AM NOT AN AGENT), so it will make the burden lighter for those who will be charged in caring for you in the golden years.

Elorraine says ...

However we take it, we will never be totally prepared emotionally to deal with the frail state of our once agile love ones. Personal counseling is sometimes needed to deal with this trauma especially when there is a sudden incapacitated illness.

Making preparation for this stage in life is always never one of great importance; until the situation smacks you in the face, when you will see the need for an insurance coverage or a personal  pension fund for one's self. 

You are so right about not being prepared for this time - my parents have suddenly starting failing (they are in their 80s, but were doing well until recently).  They must adjust to the changes, as must my sister and I  Fortunately, they are prepared in terms of insurance, wills, living wills, etc., but as you point out, there's so much emotional adjusting to do.  It isn't easy.

While I do not know if I am prepared, I do know that my parents are slowing down considerably and I will be there for them as they were there for me growing up. I come from a very close family; there is no question in my mind that when needed, I have to step up. It is the right decision for me.

My father passed away when I was in school so at the time I was a bit too young to be his caretaker while he was sick. However had I been older I would not have thought twice to take on the responsibility. As a daughter I feel it is my responsibility to care for my parents as they get older and cannot take care of themselves. 

My mother is very active and still pretty young. She told my brother and I that when she gets older she does NOT want us taking care of her. She doesn't want to put that burden on us and she would like to go into a nursing home. I will respect my mother's wishes of course and understand that she doesn't want to saddle her kids with the burden and the stress of taking care of her but if I am being completely honest, the thought of her in a nursing home makes me sick. It makes me uneasy because I feel her later years should be spent around her family in a comfortable environment...and what better environment than HOME???

Like I said I will respect her wishes but I hope in years to come she changes her mind. 

Elorraine says ...

AngelaK says ...

My father passed away when I was in school so at the time I was a bit too young to be his caretaker while he was sick. However had I been older I would not have thought twice to take on the responsibility. As a daughter I feel it is my responsibility to care for my parents as they get older and cannot take care of themselves. 

My mother is very active and still pretty young. She told my brother and I that when she gets older she does NOT want us taking care of her. She doesn't want to put that burden on us and she would like to go into a nursing home. I will respect my mother's wishes of course and understand that she doesn't want to saddle her kids with the burden and the stress of taking care of her but if I am being completely honest, the thought of her in a nursing home makes me sick. It makes me uneasy because I feel her later years should be spent around her family in a comfortable environment...and what better environment than HOME???

Like I said I will respect her wishes but I hope in years to come she changes her mind. 

I understand the state of mind you are in now Angela, trying to respect your mom's wish and your wanting to savor her golden years in your home with the family. To tell you the truth, I would be crushed if my mom made such a request.

The saving grace is that my mom is still very young (55) so God willing we have plenty of time before we have to think of such things. I hope I can change her mind by then...lol!

My dad was a vital active well preserved 87 -- one day he passed out, they rushed him to the hospital and spent the next 12 hours saving his life.  Well, he survived the episode but he no longer could see, or hear very well, couldn't walk without help -- it went on and on.  I brought my dad and his dog to my house.  He told me no more doctors, no more visits to the hospital - "please just help me let go"  so I brought hospice in and we cared for dad.  It was a joyful, bittersweet time - I lost 25 pounds - we laughed, we cried, we shared stories.  It was a great comfort to him, and he managed everything with such grace.  I will never regret the experience.  My heart goes out to those that are faced with this issue -- it's a tough one.  We do what we do for our loved ones and it's always surprised me -- the reserves we discover in challenging times.  

seabrownthree says ...

It took alot of strength and love for you to do what you did.  By respecting your dad's wishes and being there for him so that he could die his way, you gave both him and yourself a very precious gift.  It must have eased your pain a bit knowing that you were doing this for him.  I'm in awe of you.  I have so much respect for those who have the ability to give this sort of care to an aging and dying parent.  Because I live so far away from mine, I can't do that.  But I have a few friends here who are doing it, and at very great sacrifice to themselves.  I have so much admiration for them.  There are some really precious people out there.

You know Sarah?  My dad came out of a generation that was so special (1916) -- he taught me -- at a minimum everyone deserves our respect.  In my life he was a great man -- full of elegance and grace -- physically it was tough, emotionally -- intense -- but also many, many joyful gifts were bestowed -- I still find them each day -- tucked in secret places.  I was happy and grateful to have the time and resources to be there for him.  We all deserve that --