WomenCo.

Hi,

 New to site.  I am a self employed single mom of two.  I am "fairly" in shape and only need to lose about 10pds.  I am engaged to be married.....I have been divorced for awhile.  I love my career and happy in my chosen field.  I am in my 40's.................

 Here is the problem:  Last night, my fiance and I were sitting on my couch sharing some "together" time.  Watching tv, etc......

I am not sure what brought this up but, I asked him what on a woman does he find most attractive.  He preceded to tell me the "nape" of their neck.    Their eyes second, and third...the "overall" package.

 I asked him....(now I am sorry I did)..................... what he thought of my "neck".  He said it was "thick",  and my neck just kind of runs "into" my shoulders.  Almost like I have no "neck".  This hurt me deeply because no one out of the past 20 years has ever mentioned that to me.  It also has hurt because in the past...in general conversation................. I know he likes "redheads".....over brunettes.  ( I am a brunette)  He has told me "in passing" he likes taller women.......(not real skinny just taller)....(hence...longer necks), etc...

Every OTHER part of our relationship is fairly good.....I love him, and I know he loves me.  But he thinks nothing of being so "honest" that  he winds up making me feel "so less than" what appeals to him.

I do not consider myself vain. I do not look in the mirror every chance I get........ But ,  I waited a long time to meet someone that I believe is right for me.  And I do not care if others find me attractive or not....just him.  I guess it was disheartening to find out that at the same time he has complemented me on my "looks" ....he is also thinking I have virtually no neck and short.  

Oddly enough, I used to do petite modeling only up to a few years ago.   I look early 30's and I am 44.  I am blessed to have my mother's genes.

We are to get married in 4 months and for lack of better words.....I no longer feel confident that I appeal to him.  Friends  I have spoken with that have known me all my life who are not afraid to tell me the truth......They cannot see the validity of the "no neck" comment.  I am not an ostrich but have a pretty normal neckline. 

Help,.......I feel disallusioned, hurt, etc....Any advice out there?  I do not doubt he loves me...............but......................... do not feel like I am as pretty as he once said.  I do not trust his words anymore..............and resent the fact that I am not want he typically likes. 

My wedding dress is bought and paid for........It is sleevless.  "When I told him why did he like the wedding dress I picked out when it emphazies what he does not like about me.  His reply was, "they do not make too many wedding dresses that cover the neck".  He then said, "I am just being honest".

Am I marrying an insensitive "P..K?" 

I am now sorry I asked him the question I did.

Rachel

Baby girl! What an awful feeling for you to be experiencing. Take a step back and let's think about this in a broader perspective...

I am putting myself in your place for second. With my man I am totally-crazy-obsessed-can't-get-enough-of-think-he-is-the-hottest-guy-on-the-planet. But if you asked me what I look for most in a guy, most of those characteristics would NOT be what he has, straight up.

I don't know what your man looks like but let's be hypothetical. Let's say your man asked you "what physical characteristics do you like most on a guy?" Or even personality-wise, what you look for in a guy. Is your man perfect? Let me guess, the answer is "No way!"

Granted, I think he was being an asshole with what he said and how he said it. But just because he typically like one thing or another doesn't reflect what he thinks about YOU. What person on earth wouldn't want the ideal or paradigm partner? We could all be more attractive, richer, smarter, sexier, whatever. But no one is anyone's idea of perfect and thank god, because that would get boring. A guy could be dating super hot blond Scarlett Johansson but still, in general, prefer brunettes. A person might choose Skittles over M&Ms but if handed a piece of Godiva, they would savor every morsel.  Are these analogies making sense?

Also, remember, even though you are beautiful and young for your age, beauty does fade. This man is choosing to share his life with you and it isn't because of your neck or hair color. It is because of your heart and soul. Because he can talk to you and laugh with you and be old in rocking chairs when all of our necks will be short and we'll all have white hair anyway.

In the meantime, play up what you do have. Got a hot little body? Wear a sexy dress for him. Want to be more appealing? Buy some sexy lingerie or play dress up/role playing. Being sexy to your man is more in your confidence level than any physical thing.

Next time he says any dickhead comment, tell him that he is a dickhead and that you would prefer someone whose shit smell likes roses but that ain't happening with him, so deal with it. Then say "too bad your favorite thing isn't a fine ass, cause I got it!" and smack your behind and wink. (Or any combination of these tactics you like.)

And LOVE yourself always! xo  

You know i hurts.  But he loves you.  And he thinks you are special enough to admit that there is something not "perfect" about you.  Do you know what he does love about you?   Do you have additional concerns about whether or not he is attracted to you?  Or that he is attracted to other women.  I been on both sides.  I was married to a man who acted as if he loved everything about me.  But it did not feel true, and I felt he was ALWAYS interested in other women.  Esecially those that were completely different than me.  Then we broke up and he admitted what he didn't like about me.  And I had always known it, but tried to believe him when he said the opposite. 

Then Ioved a man who was honest, but I ASKED..  And it hurt me.  But you know what?  I so appreciated is honesty.  And I knew what he loved about me.  And I knew that he love me as a whole more than any other.  I never doubted his loyalty and committment to me.  And I trusted him.

And guess what?  He didn't have the body type that I am attracted to.  He was skinny.  Now I wasn't dumb enough

Once again, I seem to be the contrarian.

I would think very, very seriously about whether I really want to commit to this man in marriage.  The fact that you've already bought the dress is the LEAST of your problems.  I don't care if you've rented the Queen Mary and will lose your deposit.  If you're not sure before the marriage, don't do it.

It's not this particular thing in and of itself.  As everyone points out,  It's the fact that it has had the impact on you that it has had.  The fact that it has shaken you to the core, the way it seems to have done, causes me to think that this is representational of a more serious issue.  Along the lines of what brandylynn is saying.  You have an undercurrent of insecure feelings.  That is not to be ignored. 

When I went through a breakup, I read a book called, "Surviving Divorce."  The author challenged the reader to think back on the very first date.  What was the clue, on that very first date, that this relationship was not going to work out?  Now, he asked, "Isn't that the exact reason that you're marriage is ending now?"

I almost fainted.

On our first date, my guy and I were walking down the street and he was describing the leaves and bushes next to the sidewalk.  He referred to them as "foilage."  I cringed at the time at the mispronunciation.  (He meant "foliage.")  He must have said it four times and I cringed each time.

Sure enough, after 5 years together, I initiated a break up because I was just tired of being the "brains" of the operation.  He never initiated anything, he never had any ideas of what to do (whether it was socially or with his life!)  If I had been more astute, I would have known before date #2 that things that are important to me--such as the use of language, expressing one's self clearly, thinking about important issues--were not his priorities.  He was a sweetheart!  He doted on me.  But we were not meant to be life partners.

Pjricher  makes the case for the fact that he is insensitive to your feelings.  Don't justify (or allow him to justify) his cruelty as "honesty." 

I love the second to the last paragraph of "ImBossay's" comment.  But I would say it to him as I walked out the door with my suitcases.  In general, I think women put up with far more nonsense from men than makes sense.

Hi everyone...

Thank you soooooooo much for the posts regarding my situation.  You guys (sorry girls) .... brought tears and laughter to me by the things you have mentioned.  ALL of you had comments that are forcing me not only to look on him but, to understand myself more.

I think I have always had a "fairytale" way of looking at the world......and now it is time to grow up.  I have to realize that we are all imperfect, and will hurt each other at times.  It just seems that men tend to do more often than women....and usually with a dumbfounded look on their face when you are hurt by it.

I spoke with him after avoiding talking to him too much over the last two days.  I told him we need to "talk".  And believe me, I do appreciate his honesty BUT, in other areas....he can be very critical also. Kind of personality that "I'm perfect..or near perfect" and your'e not.  He recognizes this trait of his.....owns it.....and I do see him trying to soften up a bit.  But you know what?  It is hard to love someone when it "SEEMS" like they love themselves more. 

I do love him.  And not out of need....... I have had opportunities to marry in the past.   I can see that he loves me, I can see that he is comitted to me, and somewhere,....somewhere....behind that hard, critical shell.................is a good man.

And you are right.....maybe hearing the truth is not always comfortable but at least it is the truth.   I enjoy looking sexy....(not trashy) but feminine, sexy...for him.  I enjoy that......  I guess that is why I fell so hard...............I wanted him to at least think I was totallly beautiful to him.  Maybe I wanted him to be "blinded" in a way to my faults.  I do not know...................

In any case, I am going to put things on "hold".......evaluate myself and the relationship. 

Again, Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to help me with this.  I am glad that out of this confusion...I found this board.

I will let you guys know what happens.......................

God bless, Rachel

 I'm so glad that you're taking a step back. So many (and I've been there) of us have made the mistake of pushing forward in a relationship without taking a fresh look at what we were getting into. Whether it's meant to be or not, it's always a good idea to re-evaluate once in awhile - especially before making those big decisions like getting married.

 Rachel,

The fact that you asked us for our thoughts on this matter and then had the open-mindedness to listen, think about what was said, and decide on a course of action that felt right to you is a great indication that you are truly ready to grow.  (It was possible that you were only asking to be comforted and stroked, and clearly that is not the case.)  I commend you for your strength to take a closer look at this, even if it's painful to do.  With honesty about your own motivations you will give yourself the very best chance of landing on your feet.  All the very best to you.  Paula

Rachel,  so glad to read your response.  I was holding my breath, afraid that I'd upset you or someone....I know you'll make the right decision.

Narcise,

Thank you for commenting.....  I forgot about my thread for awhile.....until I checked on it. lol

You are right.....we are all imperfect.  And the Good Lord KNOWS this is an area where I wrestle ......(The attractiveness thing)

Not sure where I picked it up....but, looking forward to not being so self critical.

Things are so much better now.....I think this incident actually helped us LEARN the fine art of communication during difficult times.

Again, thank you for your input!

In the end, you are so right......he loves me and not too concerned about my neck. 

My husband is also brutally honest. I have learned that if I really don't want to hear him say it , I won't ask him. I wouldn't want him to lie to me. In the past I have asked him to pretty up the answer. The truth is important, but so are feelings. Talk it over with him.

I agree with mckaren and maddie -- don't go any further in the emotional state you are in.  If you marry this man and will always feel insecure and "not good enough" for him, you will never be able to love him totally and unconditionally without the nagging little "honest voice" at the back of your mind.  I would put off the wedding since there is really no rush to legally bind yourself to this guy.  I would just let things sit for a while and give yourself more time to see who he really is and how he treats you and others as well.  Watch carefully.  After marriage, the things that bug you now will probably bug you 10 times more and he will probably be 10 times more likely to be "honest" all the time.  If it feels like a "relief" to him to take a "burden" off of his own back and shift it on to yours, that is completely unacceptable behavior, in my opinion.