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Have We Lost the Art of Conversation?

We’re so addicted to text and email we’re losing the delicate art of conversation. So do we need to learn to talk again?

‘We must have a natter.’ Only a few years ago, if any of my friends uttered those five urgent little words, I’d have scurried for my diary to fix a date so that whatever was so important could be revealed, analyzed and endlessly chewed over, normally over a glass or two of wine.

In other words, we would be engaging in one of my favorite pastimes – having a conversation.

But not any more. Nowadays, that choice nugget of information is just as likely to arrive by email or text message. And, until recently, the chances are that I’d have replied in similar vein, tapping away a reply on my computer keyboard or wrestling with the predictive text on my mobile phone.

Back and forth these messages would fly through the electronic ether in an exchange that superficially might resemble a conversation, but in reality falls short in many small but significant ways.

My friend wouldn’t see the smile on my face as I received her first message; I wouldn’t see the expression on hers as she received my reply; and we wouldn’t bother typing anything as simple as ‘Really?’ or as seductive as ‘Go on’.

In other words, nothing like a face-to-face conversation – arguably the most subtle and sophisticated exchange two human beings can share – would have taken place.

What saddens and worries me is that millions of these conversation substitutes are taking place every day. Surveys show that seven out of ten of us prefer to text or email instead of taking part in what was an everyday component of civilised human life, but which now is somehow seen as so stressful that it is best avoided altogether.

As a result, we are typing and texting our way towards disaster.

A recent report revealed that we need to do five key things every day to improve our mental wellbeing – connect with others, be active, be curious, keep learning and give to others. A good conversation delivers all five, which is as good for our mental health as five portions of fruit and vegetables a day are for our physical health.

So why has something that used to be so simple suddenly become so difficult?

Before I attempt to answer this, let me make it clear that I am not some academic expert clutching bushels of degrees in linguistics. I’m an enthusiast who has always loved the chance for a good conversation and who’s realized she’s getting fewer opportunities to have one these days.

And I’m not just talking about the sort of conversations we have at drinks parties; I’m talking about the sort of conversations that used to ease our path through daily life – the chat with the man who sells us our newspaper; the natter with the girl behind the counter at the bank; the exchange with the pensioner at the Post Office.

Nowadays, we seem to be too busy, too rushed or generally too cross for any of these. We live in a world where we are increasingly wrapped in personal cocoons, insulated from those around us.

Some would call it being insular; others might prefer shy. But I’ve had it with this bogus, 21st century version of shyness. It’s such a wasted opportunity. Good conversation is something to be celebrated, embraced and enjoyed.

Like any other skill, it needs to be practiced but, once mastered, the rewards are bounteous. It helps us discover as much about ourselves as it does about those with whom we are talking. It is a chance to learn, to share, to communicate.

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