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Is It Time For A Relationship Checkup?
Featured Author:
Crystal Hernandez
Crystal Hernandez is a marriage and family therapist with over 16 years in the behavioral health field, with a special interest in women’s issues. The founder of Relating Today, a relational education and coaching business, Crystal is a trained instructor in the Couple Communication Program, which teaches skills of talking, listening, and resolving conflicts. She writes a weekly column for WomenCo. on managing life, marriage, relationships, and – yes – work.
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Crystal Hernandez | WomenCo.
August 22, 2008
Every smart woman knows that making time for an annual physical is a commonsense priority for optimal health. If we were to do the same thing for our marriage this important relationship would stay healthy and strong too. So, if you’ve never thought about it, I encourage you to think about it. What would your relationship checkup include?
I think about it around the end of the year, as opposed to the first of the year when others are making resolutions for this, that, or the other. The end of the year really works well for me because I’m pensive, and very goal-oriented. Having specific goals for all of the important relationships in my life helps me to manage myself in these relationships—especially my marriage. Now, these aren’t engraved in stone, but serve more as guides that help me in my desire to be intentional in my behavior rather than reactionary.
A relational checkup is really nothing more than your intentional effort to stay positively connected in your relationship. And, one of the things you can do is to attend to how you talk together as a couple. This is a very powerful and protective strategy for your relationship. Including it in your relationship checkup process can yield big short and long-term results.
In the Couple Communication seminar I teach, couples learn that there are four ways to talk with each other…
1. You talk mainly about topics outside yourself, “Don’t forget to pick up some dog food on your way back.”
2. You talk about yourself, “I think I’m coming down with something.”
3. You talk about your partner, “You look tired why don’t you go to bed?”
4. You talk about your relationship, “I’m glad you’re home early—I really need your support right now.”
mzbrown
3 months ago
736 comments
I need a relationship check-up. When we talk it's always about what's going on with everybody else. How we can help this person. What we need to do for this person. How the kids need our help. We talk about everything else, but US. And although our jobs, family and friends are important, I wish life stops hitting us so hard so we can take time to focus on US.
LauraS
4 months ago
56 comments
We talk as best friends and we talk as husband/wife. Sometimes I think people forget this, he/she is not just your wife/husband it is your friend sometimes your best friend some people lose that part or forget and the drifting starts to happen, pretty soon they become the stranger or the room-mate. Don't forget your friend he/she is important and friends truly are forever.
AJaneChambers
4 months ago
320 comments
We tend to do our check up around our anniversary. It is a good time to remember and celebrate what brought us together and keeps us together as well as talk about what we would like to work on during the next year.
Insanitek
4 months ago
302 comments
I have found that communication is the key in my relationships. However, I found that we focus more on sharing experiences, staying in the "now" and "here" as well as plotting what we want for our future. (We know we are not going to the same graduate school, as we want the best for us, which means not going to the same school. It will be hard enough to find jobs as professors if we don't go to the best in our field, let alone at the same university once we've finished.) I find this works better than anything. We are on the same team rooting for one another.