WomenCo.

Jeanbean1206, your description of pushing or being pushed away aptly implies the mutual dynamic of most relationship difficulties. Oftentimes either partner isn't aware of how they contribute to the problems between them. Becoming aware takes guts because you need to be willing to get at the truth about self. Most of us are convinced we know the truth about the other...and that may be true...how in tune are we to the truth about self! Relating well is tough at times, but always worth it!

Ask yourself this? Which woman or man is smarter, the one who is being cheated on or the mistress?
The situation mistress stand with this she has all (or most) of the benefits of the relationship with none (okay with out MOST) of the baggage. She doesn't feel the pain from the wondering, fights to leave, and agony of finding out that the person you love and trusted and gave everything to betrayed you. And trying to forgive him of the pain he put on you when confronted, because the answer is one or the other. "I admit it and will stop, It will never happen again" - load of crap and 2 months later you find the same thing. Or "I am leaving you for her." I think infedility annoys us so much because we don't truely understand it. We all have this ideal of what we want our relationship to be, and how can you trust someone who is unfaithful to you. And the answer is "You can't". But when in the situation the hardest thing to do is to leave, and I think the reasons are just as confusing and frustrating as the annoyances with the cheating significant other. You will be on your own you may have to move, explain the situation to the kids (if any), struggle with the finances on your own, not to mention splitting up all of the assets the two of you have acquired over the years, and the pain behind all of that, knowing that there were so many lies intertwined with what you built is truly devistating. Then you are now lonely. Imagine that, after all of the time and love and effort you put in to someone you are now the one who comes home to an empty house, you crawl in bed at night without the comfort of your loved one, you answer and do EVERYTHING for the kids. The thoughts are really scarey.
If you choose to stay in the relationship you NEED counseling, I feel that this will only delay the break-up process if you don't, Think about it . . . You are hurt and the only one you want to speak to it about is the one who hurt you. You have to look at him and with out a mediator search for the answers you seek. Your crying, upset and most of all, trying to act like it is "Okay" most of the time creating this elephant in the room. And as time passes the scars are still there but they begin to lighten, and he stays late at work. What are you thinking? He spends more time on the computer, What are you thinking?
Then there is the mistress, all she gets is the benefits of their relationship. She does what she wants, answers to nothing and at the end of the day 90% of the time, she knows about the main squeeze in the mans life. Maybe not at first, but she will shortly know that he is married or in a seriuos relationship otherwise. So she gets the late party nights (remember those days:)) less stress and in the end she has so little invested that she probably wont hesistate to call things off and move to the next guy married or not. She wont get the pleasure of the family time (or the stress) and has little to non of the fights. She does go to sleep alone at night (unless she is two timing herself) she has to answer only to herself. She will lay in bed at night wishing it was her he was in bed with, wishing he didn't have to leave when they were together and wanting more from the relationship then he is willing to give. So it isn't perfect for her, but who is smarter?
Then there is the man, he has the "priveldge" of being with two different? women. He has the stress of lieing to his significant other hiding what he is doing and juggling the emotions of 2 women (that can be hard for a woman herself!), and laying in bed wondering what he is doing with these two women. Yes his life is hard to, but that is because of what he is doing, and so what if is life with his significant other stresses him out, that is LIFE! Yeah, I am sure she sits at home with the kids she loves and adores, or working and handling all of the responsibilities she has, but does she use that as an excuse to have her a hot little side dish. For what ever reason I will never understand the mind of an adulterer.
And I do feel there is a difference from playing the field and all out cheating. When you are playing the field both parties are aware of what is going on and not that it makes it okay but there isn't a foundation the infedility destroys. So all thought the actions are the same it is easier to swallow.
So then the answer to my question . . . is up to you. I say they are equally. . .Smart? One just has less to lose.
That is just my opinion, coming from someone who has recently been betrayed.

Enter children. Bad situation worse.

human nature is so complex especially when it comes to relationships

I think that so many people are reluctant to confront their mates infidelity because a confrontation automatically brings about consequences. Are they ready to make decisions right now based on what they find out? You always have to ask yourself what you are prepared to do when you get the answer to the question that you are asking. Are you ready to walk away? Are you willing to go to counseling? So, if the answer is "yes, I did it, and I don't plan to stop right now." What are you going to do? Are you ready/willing to let go? I really believe that you have to ask yourself a lot of hard questions before you start looking for answers. In no way do I believe that any person should remain in a relationship where there is no respect, but I do believe in being emotionally prepared for the fall out. Many marriages survive infidelity and go on to be better relationships. But that kind of commitment and hard work is a different topic.

It's hard to explain why anyone puts up with it, really. Denial? Trust?

Why does infedelity annoy us so much? Currently, for me, it is because I can relate to the pain and the hurt of the situation. we trust that our partners are just as morally upsatnding as we are. Many of us have been cheated on or have been the cheaters in our past relations. That type of trust lost can be devastating and it is never forgotten.

The breaking of trust is always devastating, whether in a marriage or a friendship. You never feel safe again in that relationship, or at least, not for a long time. It can also impact other relationships, if you bring that damaged sense of trust and safety to them.