WomenCo.

Chivalry in the 21st Century

A male friend I’ll call Bryan asked me recently, “Since when has being a gentleman made a person sexist?” Apparently, some of his female friends have informed him that certain gentlemanly behavior (such as holding a door for a woman or paying for her) is an act of putting her down by taking care of her, which insinuates that she can’t do it herself. While they certainly have a right to feel that way, I’d like to clarify something.

Not all women equate gentlemanly behavior with sexism. I’m a self-proclaimed feminist who does her best to practice zero tolerance of sexism (and racism) whenever possible. Yet I don’t interpret a man holding a door for me as a put-down. I see it as a courtesy. It’s a respectful, thoughtful and considerate act that he may just as likely perform for the next person. While some feminists may grit their teeth at this, I’ll go one step further to say it actually makes me feel like a lady in the happiest, most celebratory sense of the word. I am, after all, different from a man (equal in value, make no mistake, but different). The heterosexual part of me is flattered when a man notices that. I’m not delicate (although some women are and that’s OK) and I’m not incapable of taking care of myself (although some women have been made to believe they are and therefore act accordingly) but there’s something about that chivalrous act that stirs a feeling of femininity in me that I really like. It reminds me that I am a little like a queen…a full-fledged counterpart to any king, of course, with equal social, political and economic power, but a woman of majesty nonetheless. So, Bryan, this is one act of kindness that I hope you and others like you never stop committing.

The subject of paying for a woman, however, dredges up an entirely different and very complicated situation. As of this writing, the Women’s Bureau of the U.S. Department of Labor says that on average women’s salaries still trail men’s by about 20%. That means that we make only 80 cents every time you guys make a dollar. In all fairness then, I think men should pay for about 20% more of the bill. Well, it’s fair in theory, maybe…but what about in oh-so-awkward practice? How do two people who are trying to get to know one another negotiate paying for that first dinner date or every date thereafter? I admit this is a conundrum, but I’ve got a suggestion.

Most guys I know will reach for the bill the minute it lands on the table. This is due to cultural conditioning that guys should pay because our traditional social and family systems have long rendered women economically dependent on men. But now that women are firmly planted in the work force, I think we should offer to pay our share. I say when he reaches for it, let him, but add that you’ll get it the next time. If the dating doesn’t last, you’ve only paid an extra few bucks. But if the dating turns into more, you can discuss your salaries down the line, and then calculate what each of you should pay based on that ratio. At that point, you’ve at least put that dilemma to bed.

Personal definitions of feminism are almost as numerous as there are women and most women are in touch with their femininity in their own unique way. But that can confuse a lot of well-meaning partner-seeking men who are just trying to do the right thing. To all you gentlemen out there, I recommend you start by being exactly who you naturally are. Some women won’t like it but a lot of women will. And what better way to find out if the two of you are a good match?

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