When It Hurts (A Tale of Domestic Violence)
where is the mark?
Article Submitted by:
Sarah Brown | WomenCo.
June 24, 2008
Take a look at this face. Would you say that this woman is a victim of domestic violence? If you answered “no”, you were wrong. Many people today still have the misconception that if a woman doesn’t have a bruise, she isn’t a victim of domestic violence. Victims of domestic violence are expected to look a certain way, and come from a certain group of people. The woman in this picture is permanently scarred as a result of post traumatic stress disorder, and her perpetrator never touched her physically. That’s not surprising.
She survived his attempts to kill her by cutting the brake lines to her car. But he didn’t touch her. She survived his stalking her, chasing her from state to state, and even paying others to follow her. But he never hit her. She survived overworked police officers who explained to her wearily that if they took time out to prevent him from following her, they would lose the woman across town whose perpetrator had just shot her. She survived judges who told her to stop complaining, he’s just walking around. She survived lawyers who told her to call them when she’d been stabbed. She could hear the echoes of him telling her that no one would ever believe her and that she would never prove anything in the voices of the authorities who kept telling her that she was mad, and that she needed to get a grip. Just another woman complaining. When she finally got someone to listen, she survived living in domestic violence shelters. They are no joy to live in, even though they save lives. She survived not knowing from one day to the next where she would be, as they tried to hide her from a man who had now become relentless in his determination to find her and kill her. She survived.
The questions she got asked the most often were “how did this happen?” and “didn’t you know he was going to do this?”. The answer to the first question is, she doesn’t know. Gradually. Bit by bit. So insiduously that she never saw it coming until it was too late. The second question really shows the attitude that caused her to have so much trouble getting help. Really, does anyone out there think she would’ve married him if she had known that this would happen?
The statements that hurt the most are the ones like: “Well, you must like it that way”. Of course. Women stay with these men because they have it so good they never want to leave. Please. Just because a man has never touched you doesn’t mean that you don’t believe he never will.
Women stay because they’re more terrified of what he will do if they leave than they are of what he will do if they stay. Women stay because shelters are full and there is quite literally no room at the inn. Women stay because they don’t know what else to do. Women stay because most people find it easier to blame them than to help them. Don’t bother trying to humiliate them with statements like this. Their abuser has humiliated them so much that they’re used to it. They expect it. But this is what they look like.
So take another look at this face. Tell me. Does she look like a victim of domestic violence to you?
seabrownthree
5 months ago
416 comments
Baton Rouge is a really big city. You should call your domestic violence hotline number. I'm over here in the UK, so I can't look up the number for you. But go to the group Women In Crisis, and someone over there will help you, I know. You can start with the phone call to the hotline, and then you can work your way out from there. Save the emails to a safe place, and well done for keeping them! Join us there at Women In Crisis.
jmichot
5 months ago
2 comments
I am going through this right now. I am to ashamed to tell My children. I hide inside all day and hope the phone does not ring again. I am a mess. I have been through this before. Only this time I did not let the hitting get started except for the other night when he kicked a coffee table into my face and put a knot on my head. I then told him to leave or I would call My son. Which is the only reason He did leave. I just got one of those magic jacks for My phone. The only good thing about it is the messages go into Your email inbox. I have over 100 dirty and threatining messages from him. He waits untill late when He doesn't think any one is around and the calls start. I just hope He gets tired of it soon. I don't tell my sons because I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't want to start any thing with their wives. I have applied for disability and the little bit of help they do give Me I need. Does any one know where a 50 year old woman can go and hide out for awhile untill I am able to leave here. I really don't know what to do any more. Or where to go where I live, which is in louisiana, near baton rouge. Thanks for listening
cpamj
5 months ago
4 comments
Right on! I have a friend who is being verbally abused on a daily basis...mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I see her struggle to maintain her balance, her mental health. Most people around her/us...don't have a clue. They wouldn't believe either one of us if we told them about her husband. She is talented, creative, caring....dresses well....makeup and hair near perfection, but her life is in shambles. Her husband is retired, but had a successful career. He is respected in his community. Incredibly sad that abusers are often able to hide who they really are!
65_KJ
5 months ago
162 comments
Your capacity and ability to have self love is not predicated on the abuse you received or suffered. Only your mind determines what you love and why; so expand your mind and grow your potential. Recognize the energy needed to create a ‘new’ network (like the one here at WomenCo, between members) is significant and by default means you are ready and able to address the possibility of rejection, acceptance and vulnerability, yet once again. When we, as a community of carrying men and women, realize that egregious acts like the ones stated here take place and believe the ‘story teller’ we empower everyone in coming forward, sharing and forming a network to set the course for healthy community involvement. Completely powerful and moving article. Thank you for creating a voice for women who are still searching for self definition in the face of domestic violence. I remain moved by your candor and words.
karla
5 months ago
2 comments
I am a victim of domestic violence. My family never knew that I was going through so much trouble until I called them one evening and told them they needed to come get me because my abuser tried to kill me. I fought back and was able to get out. My sister is currently going through domestic violence. She has it worse because her abuser keeps a loaded rifle in their house. This scares me because my niece lives there and she is two. She gets into everything and I worry that she will shoot herself or the abuser will shoot them in a fit of rage. My sister is also carrying her abusers baby. I was lucky because I did not have any children with my abuser. My personal advice to any female suffering abuse is to get out any way possible. Remember you are a beautiful person and you do not deserve to be treated this way. I give this site a thumbs up. I never showed any sign of being abused.
wylietone
5 months ago
4 comments
I was a willing participant in domestic abuse for years. "why does she stay"
Because this is real life to her. It becomes normal, for her. Life is scarey. She can't manage on her own.
kar23
5 months ago
76 comments
Thank you for sharing this. The two most dangerous times for a woman who is a victim of domestic violence is when she is pregenant- and when she leaves. To ask the question "why does she stay" is another way of victim-blaming. Why aren't more people asking "why does the perpetrator (he or she) hit/yell/manipulate/shame/coerce/fill-in-abusive-tatic-here?" The only reason to ask why someone stays is to support- to help break those barriers. Also, assigning blame to the victim makes us feel like we are safe from ever being a victim- 'I would never "let" this happen to me!' Seabrownthree brings us back to the scary truth: no formula for victim; domestic violence is an equal opportunity offender.
Elorraine
5 months ago
856 comments
There are countless numbers of women who have survived the monster of verbal abuse. I too share that pain; the unending critisims, belittlement, judging and mental state of slavery is reinforced on regular intervals. The first thing the man normally does is try to isolate you from friends and relatives. Then your emotions are toyed with, attacking all the self esteem you possessed.If you are employed he would try to force to to quit your job in order for you to be dependent on him for financial support. The womans movements or actions are scrutinized and you become an emotional prisioner in your home. The woman is now the slave of that man she can only do what he says,however he says it to be done, in otherwords you can never say NO to him.
Its hard for someone who is not in that situation to understand the kind of traps some women encounter in their lives. It is can result from one or a combination of the following:
1. The woman has a low self esteem
2. The woman loving her man more than life that she literally idolized him
3. Religious beliefs in total submissivness to ones husband
4. Total dependence on the man for financial support
5. A woman who grows -up knowing only physical and verbal abuses towards women.
If the woman can identify the subtle monster of abuse early and seek help, this will reduce the magnitude of abuse she would likly suffer from this man.
In conclusion, I often tell my friends who are involved in relationships to be on the look-out for these tell tale signs. Never cut -off ties with your friends and families, they are your eyes and ears as love has caused some of us women to be mentally blind at times.
Finally, a quote from Bob Marley song, " EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY , NONE BUT OURSELVES CAN FREE OUR MINDS."
smjk0629
5 months ago
18 comments
Your article moved me to tears. What tremendous courage you have to face this situation. Your strength, resiliance in the face of ignorance, and openness in sharing make you a true role model for others.
jo_islandgirl
5 months ago
126 comments
Thank you for sharing this article. Its very touching.
Daniela
5 months ago
1482 comments
An incredible story. Thank you for having the courage to share this important tale.
TheEverydayFeminist
5 months ago
526 comments
How about when questioned "Why dont you just leave?" That is how some people respond when you open up about the secretive side of domestic violence, which onlythose experienced with the subject may be familiar with. Thank you for the insight about being victimized without the visual effects.Seems equally as horrifying with or without the bruises.Best Regards-Dianne McDonald -The Everyday Feminist
mzbrown
5 months ago
692 comments
The emotional abuse that one suffers from physical abuse, last far longer than the bruises. You are truly a testimony. Keep telling your story because your story is going to save some ones life, your story is going to let a woman know that she can get out of that situation, and that she deserves better.
Deneen
5 months ago
524 comments
Wow....did I get transported back to my childhood on this one. I was a child whose mom suffered abuse from her husband (my stepdad) I am proud to say that I have forgiven this man and have achieved much since this forgiveness...I am who I am because of him...that is a strong, beautiful, well-spoken, patient, resilient woman...and I support anyone who needs emotional support to move forward...you are right...no one would ever guess if they are looking for scars only....but I know better...I am right there with ya seabrownthree! You go gurl....thank you very much for moving me this afternoon!
SheMentor
5 months ago
98 comments
Very moving article. It was very brave of you to write this - I'm sure I can't even begin to imagine how frightening your life must have been for awhile (or maybe still is). You are doing all women SO MUCH GOOD by being willing to speak out about your experiences in spite of the fear that must linger for you. ATTA GIRL!!!
Phyllis R. Neill, www.shementor.com